2019 has rolled through faster than any year before it. I have awoken each day, inhaled deep breaths, vowed to slow down and take one day at a time, and yet here we are. The year is drawing to a close, and I can only look back and wonder where it went. We had some really big changes in our family this year, and normally I would have had at least 3 major breakdowns at this point, but this year was different somehow. Normally I shut down. I curl up. I close off. I welcome the deep dark. But not this time. I don’t know if it has come easier with the dulling of years rolling by, or whether I’m just learning to embrace who I am…Maybe both? I’ve learned a lot about myself this year, and I guess I’m finally old enough to just admit it. I’m a mess. I’m an anxious, emotional wreck, and I probably always will be. I will never have a 10 step plan for a successful future, or model perfect values for my kids. I will probably never get an appropriate amount of sleep, or quit drinking coffee and eating sugar. But I guess the good part of finally being able to embrace that about myself is that I can stop comparing myself to everyone else that has it all together. And when I finally stop comparing, I can finally stop seeing myself as a failure. I can finally just be me. I’m a hot mess with no plan for my future and no idea how I’m going to make it through tomorrow, but you know what? I’m still married to the guy I fell in love with 20 years ago; my kids still love me despite my flaws, and we all still laugh together sometimes. So even though 2019 felt like a train wreck, I’ve decided to call it a win. We didn’t go on any family hikes or visit really cool places during this holiday break, but I did share a moment the other day with my youngest son as he tried Digestive biscuits for the first time. I told him stories of eating them after school when we would walk home in the warm West-African rain, and he smiled. It’s a sweet memory I wouldn’t trade for all the well-planned outings in the world. Here’s to 2020.